For centuries Christians have sought new and innovative ways to liberate the bible from all of that pesky history and context, and today we may have won the war. The new Your Personalized Bible inserts your name into the text of the bible in thousands of places, obscuring the totally boring original meaning and affirming what you’ve always suspected: this is a book about YOU! Your new bible will be bursting with unprecedented relevance and extremely personal meaning. Some highlights:

• God now commands YOU to devote the Canaanites to destruction!
• Hundreds of laws you have no intention of keeping – now personalized!
• Your epic face off with the prophets of Ba’al!
• Catch up with old pals like Oholibamah and Belshazzar!
• Your crummy vacation in Antioch!
• Same endless genealogies, but every third generation is YOU!
• Hey, who’s that funny and good-looking thirteenth disciple?
• New ending for Revelation where you wake up in bed with Susanne Pleshette.

Order yours today!